Due to my past as an immigrant child, I created protection walls around my heart that cut me off from all feelings and Life. Today I'm telling my story as a message of hope and inspiration. start healing your relationships and create deep connections in your life.
There was a time in my life, looking like I had it all on the outside, I really felt empty, numb and alone on the inside. I realized that the emptiness I experienced, was due to huge wall I built around my heart, protecting myself from old pains. In fact I was numbing all feelings, which kept me ‘safe’ but disconnected, to my most inner self, blocking true relationships in my life. As I’m following my path to emotional freedom & truth, I would like to share with you my story. A past, that was buried under the layers of shame and denial. I want to share it with you today as an offering and inspiration. Carrying the message of hope and strength. Offer you what I experienced to be the key to healing your relationships:
Hi, my name is Katia. I was born in 1986 in Ukraine, which was part of the Soviet Union back then. I was given the name Ekaterina at birth, though my passport says Kateryna now. Ever since, my parents called me Katia. Or Katyusha, Katinka or Katyonak, which means kitten in Russian.
It all started when I was 7 years old and the Soviet Union fell apart. We ran for our lives and a better future taking train after train across Ukraine and Poland until we finally made it to Germany. I only got to take one toy with me from home. A special doll with brown hair that I held near to my heart. With each train, I was further and further away from all my other toys and further away from an innocent childhood.
When we arrived in Germany, this place seemed like heaven on earth. I remember being at the train station and entering a little bodega with automated doors. And all the candy!! It was like magic happened in front of my eyes. While Ukraine didn’t have anything due to the economic crush, this new paradise seem to had it all in abundance. Later I understood that this new freedom didn’t come for free.
Life as a refugee child was horrific.
There was always danger that the men in the camp will take advantage of the little girls, as some countries saw little girls as potential wifes. At the age of 8 one man showed me his penis. Another man force kissed my friend in front of me. The little that was left of my innocence got stripped from me.
For the following 7 years of my life, we were living in refugee camps, sharing first one, then 2 rooms with a family of 4. Sharing kitchen, showers and toilets with 4-5 other families from war troubled countries. My reality was filled with lawyers & authorities, deportation fears, not feeling safe and feelings of not-belonging.
Life as a refugee will also give you a lesson on racism like a cold splash of water. Refugees were facing harassment and superiority all the time. Especially in places of authorities.
My parents were not able to hold real jobs because they were reserved for the Germans. I followed my father door to door begging for cleaning and gardening jobs and saw him struggle. We spend our holidays going with mom and dad to their cleaning jobs. In this places we dreamed of a different life one day with many possibilities. We were living on a bare minimum. The despair took a big toll on my parents and they took it out on us. I know very well how a flying belt feels on the cheek, legs, arms and back.
Not all, but most Germans in school were distant to the refugee children, as we were living such a different culture and reality than theirs. The teachers were unfair. My parents couldn’t help us with homework, neither were they really accessible for any emotional support. Still my parents had high performance expectations to keep up with the German classmates and beat me up emotionally when I only got an A - instead of an A +. I felt never enough in their eyes. To a point where it all became intolerable.
Survival kicked in.
My reality was a world where I felt always inadequate. Discarded. Not enough. Not belonging. I was pretending to have a normal childhood. I had to, to survive.
The only way I could've made it out in one piece, emotionally speaking, was to toughen up my heart....put barricades up around it to continue on day to day with the abuse at home, the racism and bullying at school, the constant fear of being deported, and the sexual danger lurking. But the barricades and the toughened heart I used to protect myself resulted in 160 lbs at age 14. I was not happy.
To survive I put myself away and took on a mask of independence and strength, just so I could fit in, be acknowledged and loved. Since I became a survivor (and a tough cookie), I plotted my way into ‘freedom’, trying to get away from those chains of the past.
To build up value, I spend the following years focussing on what I perceived as success - family and job: I got married in the age of 20, and moved to New York City with 26. Further away from my past with a heart longing for freedom. On the outside I seemed free, but my soul was trapped and captured in the past. Finally it seemed I had it all: A handsome husband. A great job status with a lot of $$$ and freedom, spending summer in New York and traveling to warmer places in the winter. But on the inside I was not free. I was jealous, insecure, disconnected. I felt not seen and accepted. I was angry and lonely, despite the vivid life in NYC. I became a human doing instead of a human being.
That mask became my identity, my personality. It was impossible to have real relationships.
After enduring all of those years, I didn't give up on myself. I don't believe in being a victim.
I am a phoenix rising.
in 2016, I had a breakthrough experience: One night in the Amazonian Jungle, I was shown my heart. It was casted in iron. My heart was soooo protected that nothing could come close to it. No wonder I couldn’t feel anything. The next day I was gifted an experienced of an open heart: I felt my heart again and it was so radiant. Opening and expanding. It was full of light. It was incredible. I felt so much love for everything. It was just beautiful. In that moment, I met my true self. That state, before all the walls were built.
To be in that state constantly, was what I was craving for. Experiencing the beauty of an open heart, I committed myself to the path of opening it up again for a rich and fulfilled life, of true connections and nourishing relationships. I chose to turn inwards rather than looking for my happiness outwards. Healing up wounds that were triggers. Building everything from the ground. Discovering myself again and my truth, with curiosity and acceptance. I’m creating my life out of choice and not old patterns and conditionings. I feel more vibrant, more open towards life and love. Experiencing nourishing relationships and meaningful connections. Building a life of truth and authenticity.
Did your life story left you with heart walls, that are keeping you disconnected and empty?
After 2 years of intense work, I’m happy to share my methods and tools with the one are ready to embark on that journey inside to find freedom and alignment, and help you heal your way into nourishing relationships.